Over and Out

 They say every dark cloud has a silver lining. Now I know what they mean.  Obviously, the pandemic and lockdown - being obligated, to stay in our homes all day, no leaving except to buy some groceries and do some exercise -  have been terrible for so many people in so many ways. I'm in the UK so we're currently in our 3rd full (maximum) lockdown. I was also made redundant late last year so add that to the list.  Suffice to say it's like groundhog day mixed with (insert movie where the lead character slowly goes insane) with a dash of growing agoraphobia.   But there have been silver linings. Lockdown is my rehab. I'm away from social events which are major triggers. I don't have to make excuses to friends as to why I can't go out for drinks (sorry friend, my government won't allow me to and pubs aren't open). I don't have to make excuses as to why I can't go to dinner and split a bottle of wine (sorry friend, my government won't allow me to

After another midnight google of "do I have a drinking problem?" I came across a blog. And another. And another. All people who sound just like me. Who are or at one point have been in that cycle of drink, keep drinking, can't say no, can't moderate, can't resist, self hatred, shame, anger, hopelessness, pull yourself by your boot straps, quit, create new rules to moderate, moderate for a short period of time, drink, keep drinking...and on and on.  On one blog, the blogger said, "normal people" (those lucky lot who don't have a problem drinking just one glass, those lot who say "not drinking today, I'm on antibiotics - pfft) don't stay up at night googling, "do I have a drinking problem?). That hit me. The scales fell from my eyes. The wool fell from my ears. I can't pretend anymore. The truth is here. I can't moderate. I've tried a million times with a million rules. So it's time to stop.  The problem (problem?) is,