Triple threat. And not in a good way

After another midnight google of "do I have a drinking problem?" I came across a blog. And another. And another. All people who sound just like me. Who are or at one point have been in that cycle of drink, keep drinking, can't say no, can't moderate, can't resist, self hatred, shame, anger, hopelessness, pull yourself by your boot straps, quit, create new rules to moderate, moderate for a short period of time, drink, keep drinking...and on and on. 

On one blog, the blogger said, "normal people" (those lucky lot who don't have a problem drinking just one glass, those lot who say "not drinking today, I'm on antibiotics - pfft) don't stay up at night googling, "do I have a drinking problem?). That hit me. The scales fell from my eyes. The wool fell from my ears. I can't pretend anymore. The truth is here. I can't moderate. I've tried a million times with a million rules. So it's time to stop. 

The problem (problem?) is, the blogs I've been reading (only two to be honest) and the blogs they themselves read, involve people struggling with alcohol. I have the same patterns described above with alcohol, weed and cigarettes - or the triple threat. My ingestion of the three is closely related. I have some wine, I want a cigarette to go with it. I have some weed, I want some wine with it. Rarely do I want cigarettes on their own so I guess that's a good thing? 

Anyway, I'm giving up. If anyone told me they're giving up 3 things at once, I wouldn't give them much chance of success. But the fact that they're all connected makes me think I have a chance. I hope I do. 

Today isn't day one. I had my last drink, and cigarette on the 7th Jan. So day one was the  8th Jan. Which makes today, day 14. I'm writing this because I noticed that everyone who was giving up in secret like I'm doing said how amazingly helpful it was to write a blog. And I feel if I don't, I'll somehow not manage to keep this up. Especially as I've started to think... 14 days. Is that all? It's felt like aagggeeeesssss! I just want to have something here to keep me accountable. To spew my thoughts onto (I'll try not to spew). Plus, there appears to be this amazing community of people trying to quit who really support each other. So I'm hoping that maybe that'll happen to me too.  

I'm a 30 year old professional working in a high powered industry, working through insecurities, depression and anxiety (I think they all mix into this soup called addiction so I'm planning on being honest about these struggles here) and general life. My hope is to one day feel like I'm soaring on the wings of sobriety (haha too lame?).

So, anyway wish me luck.  

xx Soaring