48 days sober - Hard things about sobriety

Ok, 48 days in. Siiiiigghhh. And what a big sigh it is... 

I'm not fed up. 

I don't want to give up. 

I'm still pleased to be on this journey. 

But goodness, my mind, body, soul, EVERYTHING is playing tricks on me. 

Apparently days 40-120 are the hard ones. The ones where you question everything. 

My mind: Did you dream all that? Do you actually need to give up alcohol? You can have just one glass (ok... two glasses) and keep it moving! No big deal. Also,  are you really actually NEVER EVER FUCKING GOING TO DRINK OR SMOKE A JOINT OR GET HIGH ON MD EVER AGAIN?!?!?!? 😱

It's all happening to me. And it's tiring. Remembering binges with rose-tinted glasses when really, they were just fine, maybe even grey times. 

Anyway, what a great way to lead into the topic of this post. 

Sobriety - the difficult things 

Before I list these, I want to acknowledge that I first entitled this post, 'the shit things about sobriety' but that's a title I felt uneasy about. Because sobriety is a beautiful thing. To be free from the constant bargains with the self then letting yourself down, to be free from running to a substance, knowing, knowing in the depths of your being that this isn't right. Sobriety is a miraculous place to be, not only because it's such a hard-fought place to arrive at -  most of us have to claw our way there inch by inch - but because once there, a whole universe opens.  

Let's be real, there are shit things about the journey. But sobriety itself? Nah, not shit. I'm not even saying this based on my own experience. I'm saying this based on the tons of sober blogs I've read and based on what I've heard from ex-addicts. 

So, what's fucking hard?

1) Exhaustion. Top of the freakin' list. I've written about this earlier on PAWS, but yeah. The other day,  I woke up after a good night's sleep and 2 hours into my day, I felt as though I was wading through sludge, I was that exhausted. Funnily enough, it's the same bone-deep exhaustion that comes with smoking weed  (shout out to the Indica strains). It's a tiredness I don't miss one bit. It feels like your eyes are about to roll into the back of your head any minute. After spending most of the day trying to pretend to be awake, I finally had to go down for a fat nap. 

2) It's taking ages to become sober. By that I mean, I want to fast forward and hit 2 years sober. But I can't do that. I'm on day 46 and tomorrow will be 47. Not 4 years in, where I don't even think about sobriety much and it's integrated into my life and I'm happy as a clam. That's going to take time. 

3) Just because I'm doing the hard, brave, incredible thing of staring my addictive personality in the face, doesn't mean that everything else will fall in place. My morning routine is still wonky. I still don't have a nighttime routine. I am still jealous of others, I still need a lot of work on setting boundaries and living authentically. I still don't have the drive I wish I had... I could go on.

4) Ups and downs. One minute I'm guffawing, the next I feel a bolt of anger run through me so vividly I can taste metal. 

5) Anger. I don't know why, but I've noticed there is a layer of anger always sitting just below the surface. It rears its ugly head in surprise attacks (see above). I have very little patience. 

6) Loneliness. I don't have sober support or a community. And I really want it. I want people who understand how hard this is, to pat me on the back and say, go you! I want people who understand how hard this is, to tell me that what I'm thinking is normal, not to get complacent. I did join an online NA meeting though (more on that later). 

7) Mind fog. I don't have the same forgetfulness as I wrote about previously (THANK GOD!!) but I just don't feel as though my mind is firing as much as it used to. I hate this one because I'm starting to wonder if my faculties aren't as sharp as I previously believed them to be. I'm starting to believe that this is me...  

I think that's it for now. I'm writing this at 7:30am having woken up at 4:40am and not being able to fall back asleep. So forgive the lack of flow and the staccato style. Also, 4:40am wake up? What's that about?

Love, 

Soaring xx