Nice

 122 days. 

Nice. 

But I don't know why it matters, if the idea is to stay sober for life. I guess it's a nice motivator in some ways at the beginning. Probably becomes less of a thing to check later down the line. 

Don't know what to write here. I'm still sober! Wooop woop! Funny how when I started this blog I wanted to write become a known blogger for this, get a book deal and yada yada. Now, not so much. I guess I changed my mind. 

Anyway, yaaay still sober. I've been to gatherings with friends and pubs and I didn't drink. It's only been about 3 events but still I've done it. I'm learning how to be social, sober. I feel more anxious about being seen as boring, about being boring, about whether what I'm saying is boring, whether the person I'm talking to thinks I'm boring and on and on and on and on. So it's going to be a journey. Ordinarily I guess i got liquid courage from the alcohol- I didn't even realise that was the case. 

How else has it been? Hard sometimes. Sometimes I think to myself, this isn't fair!! It isn't fair that I can't drink and how comes other people can drink?? Gotta remember that it's because those people are drinking small amounts whereas I'd be drinking as much as I could, without getting drunk. Then more at home. Also sometimes I think ok, I can't drink, that's what it is. These guys will drink a little and move on. I'll drink and fall into a cycle of drinking to escape my life and a cycle of shame. They won't. 

Oh by the way, I face my life (mostly) every day and it's not as scary as I thought. Well... I say mostly because I find myself using tv to hide. But yeah you know, I'm facing my life every day. Waking up and having myself to rely on to get me through the day, rather than the promise of a drink or joints. Me, I get myself through the day. And I'm managing!!!! 

Will continue to build my sobriety toolkit. Because I would love more tools. 

Thinking about doing some deeper reflection to look at why I drank, how all or nothing behaviour shows up in my life. Realise that I don't have to listen to a compulsion. Realise that I am in charge of whether I take another biscuit, tea whatever - and that I can make good choices for myself. 

It's hard to pinpoint what sobriety is giving me right now. It's certainly not nothing because just sitting with myself every day without numbing is giving me something, absolutely. 

- Long walks have become a norm and a desire in me 

- I spend less time laying about watching things (I'm sure)

- Oh! I've stopped cancelling plans :D

- I'm not feeling constant shame - how can I buy more wine without it seeming problematic? Always trying to find a reason. 

Soaring xx


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