Flailing

Day 77 

Urgh, I'm in a weird space with sobriety 

I guess it's this period where I wonder, why did I stop drinking? Am I really that bad? Is it really true that I can't moderate? Why can't I drink? Will I really NEVER drink again? 

It doesn't help that I've put on weight, my stomach is always protruding, I'm more spotty now than I've been in years, I still feel like my mind is slow and shit and I'm TIRED AND SLEEPY ALL THE TIME (well, today more-so but today is when I've run out of iron tablets).  What the fuck happened to all the amazing health benefits I'm supposed to have? 

I know that this period of time, is characterised by its apathy.... sigh. Well, I'm there. I'm right fucking there. 

I still know my inalienable truths: 1) I cant' moderate (I can stop after a few but then drinking/smoking will be all I'm thinking about until it's just not an option) and 2) I have never allowed myself to experience the downs of life without using alcohol or drugs to help me. It's stunted my growth. 

So yeah, I'm just going to keep moving the freak forward!!!!!!!!!!!! But yeah, I'm expressing my absolute anger. 

Soaring xx

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