Stinkin' thinkin'

 Where do I even begin... 

I had two dinner parties in the last few days. One on Friday one on Sunday. I hosted on Friday. It was ok staying sober... I felt proud that I wasn't drinking but I also wished that I could drink just a few glasses of red wine. Sigh, red wine. I was so worried, about telling the couple I was hosting that I wasn't drinking. But it was ok, no one pushed to know why... infact, they all (including my partner) drank sparingly, which is different to what usually happens. Could it be that they usually drink more because I egg things on? Hmmm. 

I did notice that I was constantly noticing people's drinks the whole night. Like each alcoholic drink had a spotlight on it that only I could see. On Friday, there was one moment where I walked into the kitchen to get dessert and there was the bottle of wine just sitting there on the counter. I was hit with a massive craving for it. Thought about taking a swing - since no one would know... but I didn't and the craving passed as I got desserts ready. I was definitely in the - why can't I just have one or two - mindset though. 

Then Sunday. Another dinner party with a different couple. I enjoy drinking wine with this couple - I always feel so sophisticated (when in reality I'm just trying to drink as much as I can and top up without feeling ashamed).  This dinner party was so much harder. There was a moment when the guy went out for a cigarette and took his wine glass with him. I wanted to cry. I wanted that to be me, so fucking badly. 

I feel strange that I have these thoughts and feelings. Perhaps this is the actual craving side of things. But honestly, these dangerous thoughts keep circling in my head. Like, "Are you never really going to drink again?" "Are you going to party this summer without drinking at all?!?"  I'm getting intense cravings for a glass of wine and a cigarette outside. And a craving is a full body experience. My taste buds want something, I can almost smell the depth of the wine, I see a delicate wine glass with a deep red liquid filling 1/3 of the glass, I hear the small slurp sound as I sip the wine and pull a drag from my cigarette. Altogether this creates such a sensation of longing that stabs me in my gut. All this for a drink and a smoke stick that corrodes my insides. Surely I am an addict. To so badly want something that I can't let it go even when it's bad for me. 

My thinking has not been conducive to long term sobriety. My reasons for being sober are fading away. When I remember my inalienable truths - especially that I have always used alcohol to numb discomfort and therefore have stunted my emotional growth - the wine witch says, well you can have one or two glasses when you're in a happy mood and that's it. So my reasons why I've never been able to moderate are fading. When I recount the different tactics I used to moderate to the wine witch, she says, but is it really true that you can't have just a few? Have you actually really tried? Have you actually tried, when you've known that you have a problem and so taken moderation with the serious gravitas it deserves? When I try to counter that even if I did manage to moderate, I'd probably be sitting there the whole time thinking about when I could next drink, she chimes in and whispers, "probably. So you don't know for sure" 

The reality is, if I said to myself that I would only drink 1 glass of wine at any of the dinner parties, that wouldn't mean anything. Because why shouldn't I have two if that's what I want. I have this, I'll do what I want mindset. I don't actually have it in my outward life, I think I have it when I'm the only one that would be affected. So I'd have one, then decide that was just nothing and have another because why should I kill my own fun, then have 3 if I wanted to because no one can tell me no (as in myself can't tell me no). That's how it's always been with me. When that voice that says I've had enough starts to materialise it, I bully it into silence. You can't tell me nothin', says my bully voice. What do you know? You're boring and wrong. So I just go and go and go and go and go. Something to talk to the therapist about. 

Anyway, I feel bad inside, I feel bad in my brain. I'm going to re-read the reasons why I'm sober and just look for inspiration about how much better it gets, without drinking. 

xx Soaring