Alcohol is but a liquid

Heads up, this is going to be a bit of a rambly post as I don't have a specific topic in mind.

By way of an update, my partner and I haven't discussed sobriety since the colossal disintegration that was our last conversation. So I've gone back to discussing my sobriety with me, myself and I. Oh, actually, I spoke about it with my therapist. But I almost wish I had a friend I could just talk to about it all. 

I think I'm at this moment experiencing PAWS. I'm exhausted beyond exhaustion despite having slept for ages last night, my brain is floopy (yes, floopy). Interestingly, I found a reason for some of my tiredness. Turns out I'd been getting a lot of my iron from wine! I'd been feeling exhausted most of the day for weeks so I decided to google if wine had anything to do with iron. I came across a study that found that up to 2 glasses of wine / day provided good levels of iron. So I guess my body had been missing out since quitting. I've since started taking iron supplements and I feel vastly better. Hoorah. 

I feel real temptation to become superwoman and do do do do do do do. I'd set goals a few weeks back and I've been working on implementing them in my life. I'm also working on developing practices to help release stress and help me get to a place of feeling centered (like yoga, and breathwork) and release anger and basically make my life a lovely place to be, so I'm not pushed towards alcohol because I have feelings that I keep suppressing. 

I was reading a sober blog today and the writer kept saying how much she hated alcohol and how the drink had ruined her life and how the drink was evil... and I completely sympathised with her - obviously, I'm in the same addict boat. But, it dawned on me. The drink isn't the problem. Bear with me here... The problem is all the things in your life that drive you to use something to soothe them or numb them. Absolutely, there's a time when we are physically dependant on alcohol. But that physical dependence is broken within days, really. It's the psychological dependence that's the long term battle with addiction. 

My concern is if we keep pointing to the drink as the issue, all we're doing is directing our focus in the wrong direction. Instead of looking at the real problem - what are the things from my childhood that I've buried? Do I feel loved? Do I feel connected with people or am I lonely? Am I carrying guilt and shame and what is it? Is there something I desperately want but don't try to go for it because I tell myself I can't do it/get it? Do I have regrets which haunt me? Is my inner monologue mean? The answers to those things are what drives us to soothe or numb pain and anxiety. The wine, the beer, the spirits.. those are simply, drinks... Liquid. 

Oh, by the way, I'm on day 63. Woohoo!! 

xx Soaring