Quarantine and redundancy as rehab

 They say every dark cloud has a silver lining. Now I know what they mean. 

Obviously, the pandemic and lockdown - being obligated, to stay in our homes all day, no leaving except to buy some groceries and do some exercise -  have been terrible for so many people in so many ways. I'm in the UK so we're currently in our 3rd full (maximum) lockdown. I was also made redundant late last year so add that to the list. 

Suffice to say it's like groundhog day mixed with (insert movie where the lead character slowly goes insane) with a dash of growing agoraphobia.  

But there have been silver linings. Lockdown is my rehab. I'm away from social events which are major triggers. I don't have to make excuses to friends as to why I can't go out for drinks (sorry friend, my government won't allow me to and pubs aren't open). I don't have to make excuses as to why I can't go to dinner and split a bottle of wine (sorry friend, my government won't allow me to and restaurants aren't open). By the way, the reality is we'd split the wine and I'd be very pleased to finish the evening early so I could get to the supermarket near my home before 11pm (when vendors aren't legally allowed to sell alcohol). I'd buy a bottle of wine and continue drinking that at home and start to calculate how much wine I'd have leftover for the next day.  

There's also a silver lining to being currently unemployed. I'm temporarily away from the stress of work. So no more anxiety and pressure-filled days, at the end of which I would declare in my mind that I DESERVED a drink. I could even loudly exclaim that I NEEDED a drink and that would be greeted by understanding nods and very likely some, me too's by other members of the workforce. 

Much like rehab, I am removed from my usual environment and haunts and my daily stresses are lowered. I have the space to explore the psychology behind my drinking and be equipped with tools to cope (I hope). I'm doing things like reading sober blogs, writing down my triggers, listening to a sober podcast and plan to buy my first sober book.

So, when I say silver linings, I mean silver linings.  

On another note, I've had a realisation about my drinking (which invariably includes smoking a cigarette) and weed smoking. I think my cycle is:

1) Consume all three. Increase consumption to the point where it's every day and I panic when I run out of either of the three and have to run out to buy some more and stay up late indulging and repeat and repeat and repeat until I start to feel like a piece of (insert four-letter word) on the bottom of someone's shoe. Until I start to feel I am worthless (cue slide into depressive thoughts). 

2) Only by the grace of God, finally declare I've had enough and mean it enough to refrain for one excruciating day. For a second excruciating day. For a third very painful day. For a fourth very painful day and so on until I haven't drank or smoked for maybe a week at which point the urge and voices have quietened down and I can think about something else other than weed or alcohol.  

3) Dive back into my life (which I'd very much been neglecting) with full gusto. Respond to people and emails I'd been avoiding, do some life admin etc etc. Function at a high level of productivity previously impossible to me. 

4) Feel overwhelmed. By stress. By boredom of trying to keep it togethre. To keep the good streak going. Feel I need something to "take me out of my mind" as I so often used to describe why I drink/smoke. Go buy weed, a bottle of wine and cigarettes and start the cycle all over again... 

I'm glad I've pinpointed my cycle. You see, ever since I had my lightbulb moment and TRULY realised I was a problem drinker, I thought my triggers were social events. But no... it's my life. My lack of tools to handle stress, fear, anxiety, low mood, that I feel. So now I'm scared. I'm at number 3. I need tools to stop myself going into number 4. Because I don't want to do this cycle again. 

I can't moderate. I lose self-respect, love and self-belief every time I'm at number 1. I don't want to go there. I'm happy I can see the pitfalls and prepare. But I don't know what to do... 

xx Soaring