Over and Out

 Where do I even begin...  I had two dinner parties in the last few days. One on Friday one on Sunday. I hosted on Friday. It was ok staying sober... I felt proud that I wasn't drinking but I also wished that I could drink just a few glasses of red wine. Sigh, red wine. I was so worried, about telling the couple I was hosting that I wasn't drinking. But it was ok, no one pushed to know why... infact, they all (including my partner) drank sparingly, which is different to what usually happens. Could it be that they usually drink more because I egg things on? Hmmm.  I did notice that I was constantly noticing people's drinks the whole night. Like each alcoholic drink had a spotlight on it that only I could see. On Friday, there was one moment where I walked into the kitchen to get dessert and there was the bottle of wine just sitting there on the counter. I was hit with a massive craving for it. Thought about taking a swing - since no one would know... but I didn't and the...

Day 77  Urgh, I'm in a weird space with sobriety  I guess it's this period where I wonder, why did I stop drinking? Am I really that bad? Is it really true that I can't moderate? Why can't I drink? Will I really NEVER drink again?  It doesn't help that I've put on weight, my stomach is always protruding, I'm more spotty now than I've been in years, I still feel like my mind is slow and shit and I'm TIRED AND SLEEPY ALL THE TIME (well, today more-so but today is when I've run out of iron tablets).  What the fuck happened to all the amazing health benefits I'm supposed to have?  I know that this period of time, is characterised by its apathy.... sigh. Well, I'm there. I'm right fucking there.  I still know my inalienable truths: 1) I cant' moderate (I can stop after a few but then drinking/smoking will be all I'm thinking about until it's just not an option) and 2) I have never allowed myself to experience the downs of life ...

Heads up, this is going to be a bit of a rambly post as I don't have a specific topic in mind. By way of an update, my partner and I haven't discussed sobriety since the colossal disintegration that was our last conversation. So I've gone back to discussing my sobriety with me, myself and I. Oh, actually, I spoke about it with my therapist. But I almost wish I had a friend I could just talk to about it all.  I think I'm at this moment experiencing PAWS. I'm exhausted beyond exhaustion despite having slept for ages last night, my brain is floopy (yes, floopy). Interestingly, I found a reason for some of my tiredness. Turns out I'd been getting a lot of my iron from wine! I'd been feeling exhausted most of the day for weeks so I decided to google if wine had anything to do with iron. I came across a study that found that up to 2 glasses of wine / day provided good levels of iron. So I guess my body had been missing out since quitting. I've since started ta...