Depression and addiction

I recognise that my last post was quite bleh and doomy. Nothing wrong with that, but I'm a little perplexed as to why I don't have more happy posts. Many of the sober bloggers I read have tons of posts in the early days and throughout the year espousing just how wonderful, awakening, clear, new, vivacious, euphoric they feel. So why isn't this happening with me?

It could be PAWs (see the previous post) which can be a mood killer. It could be PMS (I think I'm prone to some bad PMS), it could be that I had a rough childhood and this anxiety and low mood is my natural state :( 

I really really hope that's not the case. But if that's the case, things will be ok because I've spent the past year and a half working VERY hard to deal with the mental, biological and environmental causes of my depression. I exercise regularly, I eat nutritious food (mostly), I journal, I meditate, I go to therapy, I do movement work, I do breathwork, and I track my moods according to my hormonal cycle. That's a lot of stuff but it's been life-changing. I think I might do a post later down the line digging into how these practices have helped me when it comes to feeling depressed. 

It's extremely important because I think in many ways, maladaptive practices (the fancy way of saying doing things that aren't very good for us) like drinking a bottle of wine often, to "decompress (like I used to do) is:

First, a result of the state of our minds. Second, a result of our bodies - the stage when that bottle of wine becomes the norm and our bodies and brains need the stuff to feel "normal". When I say addiction is first a result of the state of our minds, what I mean by that is, if I've got a mind that's constantly saying to me:

You're not good enough. 

You're a piece of shit (yeah, sadly that comes up) 

You'll never accomplish that,  you don't finish anything... 

And so on and so on... Well, is there any wonder then that I would grab a bottle of wine to PUSH THAT MOTHERFUCKER DOWN and some weed to help SHUT THAT VOICE UP?

Those thoughts tell my body to either collapse in a state of ambivalence or freak out about all these thoughts, which will release stress hormones and a ton of chemicals designed for when we're trying to run away. And again, I grab a bottle of wine to help PUSH THAT MOTHERFUCKER DOWN SOME MORE and some weed to help SHUT THAT FREAKIN' VOICE UP!!! 

I think of it similar to a swamp (my mind is the swamp). The nasty thoughts just sit there and start to smell, making the swamp becoming even more putrid. There is no fresh clean water getting in there. So it'll go in a cycle of getting worse and worse. I don't actually know if freshwater ever goes in a swamp in the wild.. I'm a Londoner ok? cut me some slack. But, I do know that my brain needs fresh water. 

So if you think your state of mind might be pushing you to your vice of choice, I encourage you to focus on addressing your state of mind. I really believe that it was after my work in addressing my state of mind that I was ready to recognise I truly had a problem with moderation. 

Sending good thoughts 

Soaring xx



 

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