Feeling like crap

 I feel terrible. I don't want to write. I want to curl up in bed and watch episode after episode of a show and hope this feeling goes away. But I suppose part of the reason I wanted to write this blog was to track my experience. 

I've been learning about PAWS. Apparently, as you get past acute withdrawal there's this space called post-acute withdrawal where people like me, who have spent prolonged periods of time using substances, get to lounge in. For how long? Well, it varies ranging from weeks to two years!  

Symptoms are shit. The ones I have are: 

• Massive brain fog
• Extreme fatigue. I go to bed at the same time every day and wake up at the same time every day and honey, I have been EXHAUSTED. EXHAUSTED I tell ya. I'm walking about the place yawning all day.
• Lack of motivation
• Bursts of anger 
• Feelings of gratitude 
• Feelings of despondency 

The first time I felt this way was about a week ago. I thought it was because I was on my period. I thought it was because I may be lacking in iron (these past few months, I have dramatically reduced my intake of red meat). I thought it was a combination of the two. Heck, I even thought it might be Long Covid (the symptoms some people experience after having had covid including brain fog and fatigue). But then I find out about PAWS. And I'm glad I did but also, FFS! (for all you non-potty mouths out there, that stands for; for f*** sake!) A common British phrase. I exclaim this because I kinda hoped that what I had to battle against was my mind and that's it. Now I have to battle these chemical attacks as my body re-balances. 

I do have to say, how wonderful that my body is re-balancing. After all these years of drinking tons every day, of smoking intensely for a very long time, it's remarkable that my body wants to still help me out by returning to a pre - battered state. Aaaww. Well when I think about it that way, I feel like a right dick. 

If anyone ever reads this and is going through something similar, think of how you can help your body out as it tries to get you all healed up. I'm going to help out by exercising and remembering that this is a sign of healing. 

And I'll refrain from the woe is me stuff. Because I'm not woe. I'm doing an incredible thing. That's a strong woman right there. 

:) 

P.s - prior to writing this post, I wept to my poor boyfriend as he tried to put together our lunch that I wanted a baby. Now, for context, whenever we discuss children (usually once in a blue moon which is about every 4 months for us) we're often scoffing at the idea and are grinning smugly that we're freeeeeeee! So. You can see why this weeping that I want a baby might have come out of the blue for him. When he calmly explained these facts to me, I cried because, as I let him know, he wasn't showing the joyful reaction that I expected... 

Yeah, I checked. Extreme emotional highs and lows are a symptom of PAWS. SIGH! 

xx Soaring