I told my boyfriend I have a problem, we got into a fight and haven't spoken since
Day 52
So I've been extremely nervous about telling my boyfriend about my problems with drinking alcohol, smoking weed, taking drugs. Because it's an extremely scary and vulnerable thing to do. To look someone in the eye and tell them that when I take a mind-altering substance, I can't have a small amount. I can't stop at a certain limit and importantly, I don't want to stop. I want to keep going and going and going.
It's a very hard thing to do, to look someone in the eye and say, even when I want to stop, when I have planned to stop, I get to that point and I don't stop (can't stop). To look someone in the eyes and say, on those limited occasions when I stick to my rules and limitations, it's all I'm thinking about. Eyes darting, mind running furtively from thought to thought; what's the big deal if I have a little more, why did I want a small amount in the first place? Why can't you just stop there, though? Are you an alcoholic/addicted? This is stupid, it's just wine/weed, another bomb.... You know why you shouldn't have more, you'll wake up tomorrow exhausted, with no motivation to do anything and what you'll want to do to get over your lack of motivation, is smoke//drink some more. Even when I don't smoke, drink, the thoughts are re.lent.less.
It's a hard thing to do, to look someone in the eye and tell them you are powerless over something. Let alone someone who believes addicts just lack willpower. It's a hard thing to look someone in the eye and tell them that something has control over you. Especially if you grew up in a household where showing vulnerability was showing weakness.
But I did it.
I even wrote down bullet points of what I wanted to say. I wrote down what I hope to get from the conversation. I sat him down on the carpet with me. We sat facing each other, cross-legged. I told him that this is a hard thing for me to talk about, that I hoped for his support, that I expect he might think I'm overreacting. I explained that I have always used mind-altering substances to numb my pain and that I realise I have to stop altogether. I wiped away tears that were welling in my eyes at a rate faster than I could rationalise them away. Tears that had started long before the moment on the carpet when I'd shed some tears in the bathroom upstairs because of the sheer fear of having the conversation.
He listened then said, "Is that it?" "I know. I told you already that you have a problem with mind-altering substances. This isn't anything new, it's just confirming what I said".
Arguments between us get long-winded and convoluted. A thread that starts out about delivery and tone morphs into a lack of support and ends up as unequal efforts in the relationship. Our arguments are not only slippery but they shapeshift throughout. I will try to capture the gist whilst being as fair as possible to both sides.
Me: I feel your reaction is inappropriate, given how vulnerable, shame-filled this moment is for me.
Him: Your set up of the conversation and delivery is over the top and fear mongering for no reason. It's not like you're saying you're an addict.
Me: Yes, that's essentially what I'm saying, yes. I am an addict.
Him: If you were an addict, you need to be diagnosed, you need much more help. You need to go to a doctor or a clinic etc.
Me: I don't need an external source to tell me that what goes on in my mind and that my behaviours are problematic.
Insert however long of us arguing back and forth about what constitutes addiction and not getting anywhere - slippery and shapeshifting, rememenber?
Him: This is another problem you're bringing into our relationship. Like your depression. But this, you're bringing in for no reason, it's unnecessary. I'm tired of this. I can't take on yet another thing.
Me: [Feeling like an absolute burden. Like a sack of 50 ton rocks tied around his neck that he can't remove because he's stuck. Because he doesn't know how to go for what he wants, Because neither of us grew up feeling secure, both found security in each other and are too scared to let that go - even if that might be the right thing]. This is one of the biggest things I'll ever do in my life. It's not unnecessary. It's supremely important.
Insert me telling him we need to break up because, well... see his comment about being tired. My love kicked in and I wanted to ameliorate his suffering. I also said we need to break up because, well, see above. Surely insecure attachments and codependency are no reason to remain together...
He walked away, we've been operating at severely reduced capacity since. Talking logistics, having brief conversations, he made me a cup of tea this morning.
It's not the outcome I wanted. It's made me question my sobriety. Start to wonder if maybe I am overreacting with all this. It's made me obsess about whether I'm an addict or not. What constitutes an addict? Many sober blogs really take time and space to insist that they hate the words alcoholic, addict, AA/NA they don't identify with all that... but at the end of the day, aren't you blogging because you're powerless over your vice of choice?
I don't know... it's shaken me a lot. But, there are two inalienable truths which I know to be absolutely true and the truth absolutely:
- When I drink and do drugs, I want to keep going and going. I don't want just a little bit, I can't moderate and I don't have an off button.
- All my life, from when it mattered most (teenage-hood) to right now in my adult life, I have used alcohol to make me feel better about things. To numb my horrible feelings. The alcohol ramped up in my early 20s and then weed came in, consistently, in my late 20s. I have never gone through life without numbing. I feel I am stunted when it comes to self-reliance. I want to gift myself the gift of growth and self-reliance.
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