Voices of Temptation

Day 38

To start off with some wins.

I was with a friend last week. She wants to experience psychedelics (mushrooms) for the first time. This is the second time someone I know has expressed an interest in mushrooms within a relatively short period of time. I wonder if it's one of the unintended consequences of the pandemic. If people can't escape the small square mile around their home or escape their countries and jet off on a holiday, they will escape in their minds instead. No judgement.  It's rather industrious.  

Anyway, knowing that I'd partaken before, she asked me if I'd try with her. This is a friend that I'm very close to. I'd let her know that I was doing dry January and was going to carry it on and that I had the same stance with drugs. So in many ways, it was "easy" for me to say no. I didn't have the added anxiety of the people pleaser version of me, freaking out about what the other party made of all this. 

She later asked me if I'd like to join her and a friend to get some drinks. Again I said no. It was awkward this time because the friend was there and I was worried about what she'd think about me not drinking. 

And it was awkward because my friend asked if I'd have a small shandy. Subtext? There's barely any alcohol in that, plus it's one small one, that's nothing! It's easier to say, no I will not come out to have 3 large glasses of wine with you (as if that's ever anyone's intention anyway) it's much harder to say, no I will not come out and drink a watered down old lady version of an alcopop with you.  So I felt like a spoilsport turning them down. 

But I did it. I turned it down. But I didn't feel empowered. I felt like a lurking creature, about to be exposed for having a drinking problem.  And who wants to be exposed? I can absolutely imagine that I'm so averse to feeling shame that I'd rather have a drink. Wow... that hit me in the soul. 

- Pause, breathe, take it in - 

So, win number two. I was around weed this weekend - simply passing it to a friend - and I fought the mild-medium desire to somehow partake. 

All this leads me to my next point. I need to find support. 

For the last couple of days, I've definitely been hit with the voices of temptation. I have been very conscious that so far, I haven't felt many cravings or a desire to drink/smoke but this week, it's been there. Like the time when I thought, "I want a nice glass of deep red wine". And the time when I thought, "I want a steak (I usually only eat fish but allow myself an indulgent red meat or chicken based meal every once in a while) and of course, steak can only be paired with - you guessed it - a deep red wine. I seriously couldn't for the life of me, think of what drink could possibly go with a steak. I resorted to imagining what a child might order to accompany their steak because you know, they can't drink. So... apple juice? 

I need to find support. 

I've also been smacked right in the face with some rose-tinted glasses which I have to wrestle off only for them to suction themselves back onto my face, distorting my clear vision. I've been thinking about how lovely it is to smoke weed and have your mind float around for some time, free and open to all thoughts. 

I need to find support! 

Luckily, what I did when I had these thoughts was, I played it forward (I think it's an AA trick). I imagined what would truly happen after that first glass of wine. I'd DEFINITELY have a second. That wasn't even contested in my rose-tinted version. I'd very likely, almost definitely have a third. And, because I now know I want to be sober and this train must pull in to the station at some point,  I'd take out the Fuck It bucket that I'd managed to store away, and start to fill it with more wine. I'd fill it with more wine the next day because I'd want to get bang for my buck - my buck being losing sobriety and bang being alcohol and weed. Actually, speaking of weed, I'd go get some and spend the next 3 days getting high. Not a pretty picture. That's why I play it forward. 

So I'm so glad I didn't cave in. But, 

I need to find support!!! 

Because I want to be around people who can champion me, hold me accountable. That was really why I started this blog - for the community - but no one has come across it (how the heck do you get people to read your blog?) but... a big part of me thinks that might be a blessing. I'm a people pleaser you see, and having a bunch of people watching my moves sounds like a recipe for overwhelm and a reason to look around frantically for my Fuck It bucket. 

On the other hand, blog readers likely would be a support, not a manager/parent, watching in disapproval as I went about my journey. I don't know. I digress. All I know is, I need to find support. I'm going to look into some AA or NA or SMART recovery groups.  

Soaring xx

P.s - Isn't the concept of the Fuck It bucket brilliant? It's not mine, I read it in a blog (wish I could remember where and share) but I think it captures the all or nothing mentality that I, and perhaps other substance dependants, tend to have. Thank you to the blogger who introduced that term into my life and I'm sorry I can't give more credit!