Over and Out

Day 52 So I've been extremely nervous about telling my boyfriend about my problems with drinking alcohol, smoking weed, taking drugs. Because it's an extremely scary and vulnerable thing to do. To look someone in the eye and tell them that when I take a mind-altering substance, I can't have a small amount. I can't stop at a certain limit and importantly, I don't want to stop. I want to keep going and going and going.  It's a very hard thing to do, to look someone in the eye and say,  even when I want to stop, when I have planned to stop, I get to that point and I don't stop ( can't stop). To look someone in the eyes and say, on those limited occasions when I stick to my rules and limitations, it's all I'm thinking about . Eyes darting, mind running furtively from thought to thought; what's the big deal if I have a little more, why did I want a small amount in the first place? Why can't you just stop there, though? Are you an alcoholic/add...

Ok, 48 days in. Siiiiigghhh. And what a big sigh it is...  I'm not fed up.  I don't want to give up.  I'm still pleased to be on this journey.  But goodness, my mind, body, soul, EVERYTHING is playing tricks on me.  Apparently days 40-120 are the hard ones. The ones where you question everything.  My mind: Did you dream all that? Do you actually need to give up alcohol? You can have just one glass (ok... two glasses) and keep it moving! No big deal. Also,  are you really actually NEVER EVER FUCKING GOING TO DRINK OR SMOKE A JOINT OR GET HIGH ON MD EVER AGAIN?!?!?!? 😱 It's all happening to me. And it's tiring. Remembering binges with rose-tinted glasses when really, they were just fine, maybe even grey times.  Anyway, what a great way to lead into the topic of this post.  Sobriety - the difficult things  Before I list these, I want to acknowledge that I first entitled this post, 'the shit things about sobriety' but that's a title I felt...

Day 38 To start off with some wins. I was with a friend last week. She wants to experience psychedelics (mushrooms) for the first time. This is the second time someone I know has expressed an interest in mushrooms within a relatively short period of time. I wonder if it's one of the unintended consequences of the pandemic. If people can't escape the small square mile around their home or escape their countries and jet off on a holiday, they will escape in their minds instead. No judgement.  It's rather industrious.   Anyway, knowing that I'd partaken before, she asked me if I'd try with her. This is a friend that I'm very close to. I'd let her know that I was doing dry January and was going to carry it on and that I had the same stance with drugs. So in many ways, it was "easy" for me to say no. I didn't have the added anxiety of the people pleaser version of me, freaking out about what the other party made of all this.  She later asked me if I...

I've been sober 1 month and one day! Hooraaay! I wonder what I should do to celebrate? 🤔  I'm going to go ahead and dive into my reflections of this past month so far. There have been good days (indeed, incredible days), some bad days and some ugly days revelations. Today's post is going to be about the good.  Awesome things about being sober: 1) No more waking up feeling exhausted. And I don't mean beyond tired. I mean, waking up feeling like I'm wading through liquorice sludge level exhausted. Like eyes rolling into the back of your head level exhausted. If you've ever had a sleeping pill and woken up before it's worked its way through your system, you'll know what I mean. It. Is. Bad.  2) No more going somewhere (like on a long drive and hike) feeling exhausted and wishing I wasn't there because I JUST WANT TO GO HOME TO SLEEP!  3) I've been waking up consistently early every morning and I've had the motivation (and time) to try new and ...

I recognise that my last post was quite bleh and doomy. Nothing wrong with that, but I'm a little perplexed as to why I don't have more happy posts. Many of the sober bloggers I read have tons of posts in the early days and throughout the year espousing just how wonderful, awakening, clear, new, vivacious, euphoric they feel. So why isn't this happening with me? It could be PAWs (see the previous post) which can be a mood killer. It could be PMS (I think I'm prone to some bad PMS), it could be that I had a rough childhood and this anxiety and low mood is my natural state :(  I really really hope that's not the case. But if that's the case, things will be ok because I've spent the past year and a half working VERY hard to deal with the mental, biological and environmental causes of my depression. I exercise regularly, I eat nutritious food (mostly), I journal, I meditate, I go to therapy, I do movement work, I do breathwork, and I track my moods according to ...

 I feel terrible. I don't want to write. I want to curl up in bed and watch episode after episode of a show and hope this feeling goes away. But I suppose part of the reason I wanted to write this blog was to track my experience.  I've been learning about PAWS. Apparently, as you get past acute withdrawal there's this space called post-acute withdrawal where people like me, who have spent prolonged periods of time using substances, get to lounge in. For how long? Well, it varies ranging from weeks to two years!   Symptoms are shit. The ones I have are:  Massive brain fog Extreme fatigue. I go to bed at the same time every day and wake up at the same time every day and honey, I have been EXHAUSTED. EXHAUSTED I tell ya. I'm walking about the place yawning all day. Lack of motivation Bursts of anger  Feelings of gratitude  Feelings of despondency  The first time I felt this way was about a week ago. I thought it was because I was on my period. I thou...