Over and Out

 Where do I even begin...  I had two dinner parties in the last few days. One on Friday one on Sunday. I hosted on Friday. It was ok staying sober... I felt proud that I wasn't drinking but I also wished that I could drink just a few glasses of red wine. Sigh, red wine. I was so worried, about telling the couple I was hosting that I wasn't drinking. But it was ok, no one pushed to know why... infact, they all (including my partner) drank sparingly, which is different to what usually happens. Could it be that they usually drink more because I egg things on? Hmmm.  I did notice that I was constantly noticing people's drinks the whole night. Like each alcoholic drink had a spotlight on it that only I could see. On Friday, there was one moment where I walked into the kitchen to get dessert and there was the bottle of wine just sitting there on the counter. I was hit with a massive craving for it. Thought about taking a swing - since no one would know... but I didn't and the

Day 77  Urgh, I'm in a weird space with sobriety  I guess it's this period where I wonder, why did I stop drinking? Am I really that bad? Is it really true that I can't moderate? Why can't I drink? Will I really NEVER drink again?  It doesn't help that I've put on weight, my stomach is always protruding, I'm more spotty now than I've been in years, I still feel like my mind is slow and shit and I'm TIRED AND SLEEPY ALL THE TIME (well, today more-so but today is when I've run out of iron tablets).  What the fuck happened to all the amazing health benefits I'm supposed to have?  I know that this period of time, is characterised by its apathy.... sigh. Well, I'm there. I'm right fucking there.  I still know my inalienable truths: 1) I cant' moderate (I can stop after a few but then drinking/smoking will be all I'm thinking about until it's just not an option) and 2) I have never allowed myself to experience the downs of life

Heads up, this is going to be a bit of a rambly post as I don't have a specific topic in mind. By way of an update, my partner and I haven't discussed sobriety since the colossal disintegration that was our last conversation. So I've gone back to discussing my sobriety with me, myself and I. Oh, actually, I spoke about it with my therapist. But I almost wish I had a friend I could just talk to about it all.  I think I'm at this moment experiencing PAWS. I'm exhausted beyond exhaustion despite having slept for ages last night, my brain is floopy (yes, floopy). Interestingly, I found a reason for some of my tiredness. Turns out I'd been getting a lot of my iron from wine! I'd been feeling exhausted most of the day for weeks so I decided to google if wine had anything to do with iron. I came across a study that found that up to 2 glasses of wine / day provided good levels of iron. So I guess my body had been missing out since quitting. I've since started ta

Day 52 So I've been extremely nervous about telling my boyfriend about my problems with drinking alcohol, smoking weed, taking drugs. Because it's an extremely scary and vulnerable thing to do. To look someone in the eye and tell them that when I take a mind-altering substance, I can't have a small amount. I can't stop at a certain limit and importantly, I don't want to stop. I want to keep going and going and going.  It's a very hard thing to do, to look someone in the eye and say,  even when I want to stop, when I have planned to stop, I get to that point and I don't stop ( can't stop). To look someone in the eyes and say, on those limited occasions when I stick to my rules and limitations, it's all I'm thinking about . Eyes darting, mind running furtively from thought to thought; what's the big deal if I have a little more, why did I want a small amount in the first place? Why can't you just stop there, though? Are you an alcoholic/add

Ok, 48 days in. Siiiiigghhh. And what a big sigh it is...  I'm not fed up.  I don't want to give up.  I'm still pleased to be on this journey.  But goodness, my mind, body, soul, EVERYTHING is playing tricks on me.  Apparently days 40-120 are the hard ones. The ones where you question everything.  My mind: Did you dream all that? Do you actually need to give up alcohol? You can have just one glass (ok... two glasses) and keep it moving! No big deal. Also,  are you really actually NEVER EVER FUCKING GOING TO DRINK OR SMOKE A JOINT OR GET HIGH ON MD EVER AGAIN?!?!?!? 😱 It's all happening to me. And it's tiring. Remembering binges with rose-tinted glasses when really, they were just fine, maybe even grey times.  Anyway, what a great way to lead into the topic of this post.  Sobriety - the difficult things  Before I list these, I want to acknowledge that I first entitled this post, 'the shit things about sobriety' but that's a title I felt uneasy about. Be

Day 38 To start off with some wins. I was with a friend last week. She wants to experience psychedelics (mushrooms) for the first time. This is the second time someone I know has expressed an interest in mushrooms within a relatively short period of time. I wonder if it's one of the unintended consequences of the pandemic. If people can't escape the small square mile around their home or escape their countries and jet off on a holiday, they will escape in their minds instead. No judgement.  It's rather industrious.   Anyway, knowing that I'd partaken before, she asked me if I'd try with her. This is a friend that I'm very close to. I'd let her know that I was doing dry January and was going to carry it on and that I had the same stance with drugs. So in many ways, it was "easy" for me to say no. I didn't have the added anxiety of the people pleaser version of me, freaking out about what the other party made of all this.  She later asked me if I